your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
