perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
