I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
