a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
