dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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