Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
