i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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