I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Rumble strips road head = magical
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
