Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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