Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
