im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
