Got a toothbrush?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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