do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
