if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
