My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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