I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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