Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
