sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
