Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
