Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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