He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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