I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Two words: blizzard sex
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
