Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
