I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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