I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
