i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
