btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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