i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
