I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
