If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
