im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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