I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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