Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
