hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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