i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
