it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
