If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
