On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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