I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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