I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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