Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
