youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
