I wish my penis had an off switch
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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