i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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