Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
