Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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