how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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