The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
