I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
