dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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