I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
