Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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