I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
