Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
