maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
