If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
