I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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